Keeping on Without You
by A Taste for Tragedy
Summary: Set in season four of GG. Nate is in the hospital, and Jenny returns to the UES in total secrecy to see him for just a day. Will he manage to convince her to stay longer, or will their secrets ruin them?
1. Chapter 1

_I, I can't keep on without you  
You paint my broken heart  
Like some awful piece of art  
And I watch my world as it falls  
down around, but still I pray  
You will come back some day._

_-This Providence  
_

When Nate opens his eyes, he feels sick, the sickest he's ever felt in his life. He's confused for a few moments as he gazes around a dimly lit room, and then he realizes that it is a hospital room. He closes his eyes again briefly, and his body feels so heavy that he doesn't want to move. He doesn't want to move at all. He tries to remember how he got here, but the past few days, weeks, months have all been the same; they have all been a blur. He tries to distinguish last night from the rest.

He remembers that he checked Gossip Girl earlier in the evening and was taken aback when he saw Jenny Humphrey's face in the latest post. Gossip Girl hardly ever posted about Jenny Humphrey anymore. In the photo she was at some restaurant in a town he didn't know, and she looked... _happy_. Truly happy, happier than he had ever seen her. She looked free, and it made his heart twist to think that she had been miserable when she was here and that he had been too self-centered to realize it. The expression on her face reminded him of the way she had looked at him during her fashion show, so long ago, the way she sometimes would look at him during those months before she left.

He remembers that after reading the post, he couldn't stand being in his own skin. Nate had been sober for a few hours; Serena and Dan had pleaded with him earlier that day to please, please just stop what he was doing. It disgusted him because Serena was the one who started this, who made him like this, broke him like this. In hindsight he now realized that he shouldn't have let Serena affect him so much. He had fabricated an image of her in his head that she was some ideal woman, when in reality she wasn't. To her he was just one of many, and he shouldn't have let her treat him the way she did. But now the drugs, the alcohol and the random sex were habit, and without them he felt empty. He was also constantly haunted by a realization that replayed itself over and over in his head, and that realization was more painful than ever now, after seeing that image of Jenny...

And so that night he drank a lot more than he normally did, inhaled a little more than usual, even shot up an icy sensation into his veins once or twice. And in his mind he saw Jenny's smile, and Nate now recalls the alarmed screams of the woman who had been beside him when he blacked out. It's been maybe twenty four hours since then judging by the time on the clock near him, and he's been swimming in and out of consciousness. He remembers Chuck's worried face, his family coming in, Blair peering over him with concern. Pretty much everyone had come to see him, and yet the empty feeling was still in his chest.

He turns his head to look out the window and almost has a heart attack when he sees a familiar blonde in the chair near his bed. He can't even say her name, he's so shocked, and she smiles at him nervously.

"Nate..." she murmurs, and Jenny Humphrey's voice is soft as a dream.

* * *

As Jenny sits there in the hospital room, watching Nate come to consciousness, she can't help but backtrack to everything that's happened in the past day.

It had felt like a nightmare. The call at four in the morning from Eric, the rush of blood to her head as she heard the words _'Nate's in the hospital'_, the cold October air that wrapped around her body - it truly felt as if it was all a terrible dream. Jenny's only thought was that she needed to go see him. She wanted to go immediately but it had to be timed perfectly. Jenny still remembered Blair's words from her last visit to the hospital when Dorota had her baby so many months ago; if Blair heard that Jenny had returned to the UES, she would give her hell. Jenny just needed to see Nate, spend some time with him, figure out what had brought him to this point. She had to wait many hours before she could even board the train from Hudson to the Upper East Side, and when she did, her own thoughts consumed her.

Jenny was pretty sure that Nate didn't care about her. He hadn't contacted her at all since she left. It hurt a little, but it confirmed what she had realized the night she lost her virginity: that this wasn't a fairytale anymore. She was not the white princess and he wasn't the knight in shining armor. Despite the fact that her heart still ached for Nate while she was in Hudson, there was nothing in the UES that made her want to come back; she never checked Gossip Girl anymore and hardly ever talked to anyone that was not part of her new life in Hudson. She planned to leave the Upper East Side after visiting Nate, because he probably wouldn't want her to stay.

During the train ride, she couldn't help but think that it's always been about Nate. She had always needed him in her life, but when the hell had he ever needed her? He didn't need her to visit him in the hospital as much as she needed to reassure herself that he was alive. And her constant searching for him, her constant assumption that he would save her from her worst mistakes - that was what destroyed her, what caused her to make the worst mistake of her life. For God's sake, she went looking for him at his apartment, wanted to see where he was, and was always asking about him. She thought he'd come in at any point, and when she realized that he wouldn't because _he loved Serena,_ she felt absolutely alone. And so she fell down the darkness, into the rabbit hole with Chuck as her tour guide, but in her head the whole time there was only Nate. When she and Chuck were done and she was just lying in bed, feeling so empty inside, they heard someone come into the apartment and she immediately assumed it was Nate, coming in to save her. Nate, whose expectations and opinions she never wanted to offend. But it wasn't him at all, it wasn't her knight because the fairytale didn't exist. It was all in her head, had been in her head all this time, and she'd been too blind to see it.

Eric had told Jenny on the phone while she was packing that Nate had changed. He wasn't the boy they used to know anymore, and they had all been concerned for months, Eric just never told her because he didn't want Jenny to worry. And so they planned for her to arrive unnoticed at seven P.M. Eric somehow managed to convince everyone that he would watch on Nate for the night, when in reality, Jenny would have all night with him while Eric slept over at his boyfriend's house. So far the plan was working, and Nate had been asleep ever since she arrived a few hours ago- it was eleven P.M. right now- but just seeing his chest rise up and down with each breath was a comfort to her. His body looked so lifeless on the bed that it was heartbreaking; he looked so weak with an IV needle stuck into his arm, and his face was pale. According to Eric, Nate had consumed far too much alcohol, and combined with the drugs that he had taken, it was lucky that he didn't die.

When Nate wakes up and notices her, she can't help but smile in his direction and murmur his name. She still can't help but look at him like he's her world, but his eyes are so blank that she feels small and insignificant. Nate finally smiles back and tries to say her name, but his voice cracks; she gets him a cup of water and holds it to his lips as he drinks. Jenny can't help but notice that his face is unshaven and he doesn't smell like he used to; he smells like alcohol and unfamiliar drugs.

"Thank you," he says, looking at her like he can't believe she's here.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, pulling her chair closer to him. She wants to reach out and brush his hair away from his face but she can't bring herself to do it.

"Terrible," he says with a hoarse chuckle. "My arms, everything feels heavy... I'm so tired. I feel like I got ran over."

"Go to sleep, then," Jenny says comfortingly, finally reaching out and brushing back his hair. She can't help it, she needs to touch him and make sure he's here, that he's real. She runs her fingers through it comfortingly and he closes his eyes for a moment before opening them.

"I don't want to. I'm afraid I won't see you again..." He trails off, and when Jenny doesn't respond, he speaks again. "Why did you leave?" He asks her bluntly, and he tries to sit up. Jenny helps him do so, and he can see that her facial expression is strained and worried and afraid.

"I didn't like who I became," she says automatically, and it isn't exactly a lie. Jenny crosses her arms over her chest and she wonders if he can tell just how uneasy she feels. "All the lies and the drama and the plotting... I wasn't happy, it wasn't good for me."

At that moment there's a knock at the door, and Jenny freezes as Serena comes in. They stare at each other, and Serena's eyes narrow. Before she can open her mouth, Jenny gets up and walks over. "Can we talk for a moment outside?" she asks, and after a few seconds Serena nods and Jenny shoots Nate an apologetic look before closing the door behind her.

"What are you doing here? Give me one reason why I shouldn't tell Blair you're back." Serena asks with a glare. She hasn't forgotten anything, but she doesn't realize that Jenny's changed. In Hudson there's no games and no lies; the art of complex lies and plots that Jenny learned in the UES had no use there. It was a cleansing sort of lifestyle, and Jenny wishes that she could prove that she's trustworthy now, that she means no harm.

"I'm going back to Hudson soon. You won't even know I was here - my dad doesn't even know- so please. There's nothing here for me in the city anyway. I just had to make sure Nate was okay." Jenny takes a deep breath and then continues. Serena's face is stony and passive. "Eric told me to come. I needed to see Nate. Serena, look... I apologize for the things I've done to you in the past. I really do." Serena's facial expression wavered and then softened when she realized that Jenny was being sincere. "Just please... I don't think he knows why I left. You know, what happened with Chuck. So all I'm asking is please, don't tell him." She thought Nate knew why she left but it's clear that he doesn't, and now she's afraid of him finding out. She's afraid of disappointing him.

Serena's silent for a moment before responding. "You _really _care about him, don't you? After all this time?" Jenny nods slowly and Serena sighs. "Okay. I won't tell Blair, but Jenny... don't keep this secret from him. He's going to find out eventually." Serena smiles a little and she reaches out to tousle Jenny's recently cut hair. Jenny laughs. "You're good for him, Jenny. Please save him."

* * *

When Jenny comes back in, Nate feels like he has more energy. He could stay up all night with her to make up for the past few months of no contact. He's missed nights of playing Wii with her, of staying up and just talking. Nobody really gets him like she does. All these physical connections from the past few months have made him feel so empty- Nate's realizing now that Jenny's always given him this emotional connection that made him feel like a bigger person, like there's actually some strength inside of him.

"Serena just wanted to check on you. She says she'll visit you tomorrow." Jenny smiles at him and takes her seat again.

"I'm glad you're here, Jenny. I've really missed you." He says honestly. She smiles, and Nate can't help but smile too. Jenny looks into his eyes seriously and he knows a question's coming - the question he's heard so many times already. "Please don't ask me why I've been doing the things I've done," he says before she can speak. "I felt empty, at first I was hurt, and then I was just bored. I just want you to know that not everything Gossip Girl has said about me over the past few months is true."

Jenny's eyes were still concerned and afraid. "Will you promise me that you'll stop doing these things? Please? And we don't read Gossip Girl in Hudson. I haven't checked it in months."

"I promise I'll stop. I don't exactly feel on top of my game right now," he replied. "Of course, it helps that you're here now." There's a reserved expression on her face that makes him think. "So how long are you going to be in the city for?"

"However long you want me to be," she says, and he can tell that she just wants to make him happy. He assesses her medium-sized bag on the ground and knows that she's only packed for a few days. His heart sinks as she looks at him with her bright blue eyes. "I came back for you, Nate. I want you to get better, and I'll do whatever it takes."

_'I came back for you.'_ This words strike him hard. If only she knew the significance behind them, what they mean to him. He can't help but smile at her, and he takes her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. He sees Jenny's mouth tighten as she jerks her hand away, reaching for her purse.

"Sorry," she apologizes, folding her arms in front of her chest after checking her phone. "I thought I heard it ring." It is an obvious lie, and all he can think of is what he realized so long ago, and his heart hurts a little because it's never been more true than it is now.

"So let's backtrack a bit - you haven't checked Gossip Girl in months? That makes Hudson sound like a different world. Tell me what it's like there." Nate says to kill the awkward silence, settling back into his pillows as she begins to talk. She tells him everything, from how the art of lying-a necessity to survive in the UES- doesn't exist in Hudson to her mother's accountant boyfriend whom Jenny can't stand. Nate tells her about Columbia, about the people and things and places that he's seen over the course of his lifetime, and about his new apartment.

He's about to fall asleep when he murmurs something to her. "Jenny, I'm getting out of here tomorrow... well I guess today, actually," he says, noticing that it's two in the morning now. "Do you want to come over at night? We can play Wii like we used to."

Jenny looks thoughtful and then nods, curling up in her seat. She's wrapped herself up in one of the extra blankets that the nurse gave Nate. "I'd like that. My Mario Kart skills have improved over the past few months, I'm pretty sure I can kick your ass now even more than I used to." She grins playfully at him.

"In your dreams, Humphrey," he scoffs, and with that he falls asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_If I woke up alone I won't stop till I'll find you  
and you are with me;__ cause by now, L know  
you better than you know yourself, __and I know  
what you really need_ - _what you need, or I  
need_,_ but either way this is where you should be:  
here with me, or I'll bleed so much that you won't believe._

_-Something Corporate_

When Nate wakes up, it's noon and Blair is in the room, talking quietly on her phone in the corner. He sits up, feeling a lot better than he did yesterday, and looks around for Jenny. She's not here. He frowns, checks his phone and sees that she texted him at eight in the morning: _'Had to go to the loft; see you tonight!' _

The next few hours feel too long. The nurses observe his stats one last time, and he checks out of the hospital eagerly (he's never liked them), before he and Blair take the limo to his apartment. The brunette reminds him over and over again how many pills a day to take for the next week; his mind keeps wandering, and Nate thinks he should probably keep count on how many times she's snapped her fingers to get his attention.

"_Nate_! Good God, are you okay?" she asks for the millionth time as they step off the elevator and into his apartment. "Should I stay with you for a few hours, maybe even the night? You're scaring me."

"Sorry, I'm fine. There's no need for you to stay. I'm spending time with Jenny tonight and we'll probably end up crashing so there will be someone to watch on me if that's-"

"Jenny Humphrey?" Blair asks sharply, her eyes snapping into slits, and Nate shoots her a confused look before nodding. A familiar expression takes over Blair's face and before Nate can say a word, the girl whips out her phone with a devious expression on her face.

* * *

There's a knock on the door of the loft and Dan's not home to answer it. Jenny figures that it's Eric, here to catch up on how both of their nights were, so she jogs to the door and opens it. When she sees wavy locks of dark brown hair and familiar, angry doe-brown eyes, the grin on her face vanishes. As the former Queen Bee pushes her way into the loft without a word, Jenny can't help but wonder how Blair found out about her return.

"I thought I exiled you," Blair says, slamming her purse onto the table and turning to look at the blonde. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and raises an eyebrow and Jenny can't help but think about how stupid this all is, how dumb Blair's fantasy world is.

"I came back for Nate, Blair. This has nothing to do with you." Jenny responds, and it's taking all the self-restraint that she possesses to not roll her eyes.

"It has everything to do with me. Need I remind you of the reason why you left?" Blair says, and there's this superior expression on her face that makes Jenny feel sick. "Or did you forget? Maybe that's why Nate thinks that you only left because you didn't 'like who you were'." Blair takes note of the way Jenny's eyes widen and she smirks. "Oh no, I didn't tell him that you slept with Chuck... yet. I couldn't do it without properly blackmailing you first."

Jenny can't hold back anymore; she doesn't have patience for this and the last thing she wants to do is beg.

"Okay, you know what, Blair? _Wake up._ This isn't high school anymore - _life _isn't like high school. You're living in a pretend world. Don't you realize that the past few years you've struggled for control over people, but you hardly ever achieve it? It's pathetic." Jenny snaps. "I'm sorry I slept with Chuck, okay? I regret it every day of my life. It wasn't my intent to ruin your relationship. But it's time for you to move on." Jenny shoots her a disgusted look and is glad to see that Blair's facial expression is a shocked one. "I feel sorry for you, Blair. Everyone's done with your games except for you; you're the only one playing now. Everyone's over the dumb things I have done in my past: Nate, Eric, Serena. The only one holding a grudge is you. I'm going to tell Nate what happened; I didn't want to in the hospital because I wanted him to heal first. I don't want to lie to Nate. Did you ever think of what would happen if he finds out? No? I don't know if he sees me in a romantic way, but I do know that he cares about me, that I'm one of the closest friends he has. Not only would he be disappointed in me, but he'd kill Chuck, and he'd be angry at you for keeping this from him for so long. Hell, he might land himself in the hospital again, do you want that?"

Blair looks like she doesn't know what to say. There's a mixture of regret and distrust on her face when her phone rings. Blair picks it up and then looks at Jenny guiltily.

"I'm sorry, Jenny," she says, holding up her phone. There's a post by Gossip Girl on the screen. "But I sent in the post before I came, and now it's up. Everyone knows. Nate knows."

* * *

When Nate first sees the post, he thinks it's a sick joke, until he hears Chuck cursing in the next room and attempting to quietly leave Nate's apartment. Before Nate even realizes what he's doing he's on his feet and there's blood rushing to his head, all he sees are red stars as he grabs Chuck by the shirt and throws him against the wall.

"Is it true?" he practically spits, and when Chuck sputters, Nate shakes him roughly. "The post, is it true? Answer me, you asshole, what the fuck were you thinking?"

"It was a mistake," Chuck gasps, and this only makes Nate angrier. "I didn't know she was a virgin. I thought she and Damien had done it already, and we were both lonely and needed someone." Jenny's virginity was Nate's, it was supposed to be Nate's, it always mattered to him. Nate lets go of Chuck and angrily throws a punch into his stomach and backs away. The dark haired boy is crouched over, and Nate wants to punch him again but the boy who's supposed to be his best friend speaks just in time.

"She came to our apartment looking for you. I-I can't even count how many times she mentioned you, before, after." All of the energy Nate has rushes out of his body and he sinks onto the couch, sinking his head into his hands. The one time he couldn't save her was the most vital time, and she left because of it. Everyone knew about what had happened, but no one had thought to tell him. He's aware of Chuck getting to his feet and staring at him warily.

"Get out," Nate says hoarsely and after a few moments Chuck obeys. Nate feels sick to his stomach. He doesn't know what to do, he can't see straight. He doesn't want to see her, she lied to him... His phone rings and shakes him out of his thoughts.

Nate opens it to see another Gossip Girl post, and this one has a picture of Jenny standing outside of the loft, her bags in hand.

She's leaving again.

* * *

Jenny didn't even last twenty-four hours back in the UES. Her phone's blowing up with messages and she doesn't answer a single one, she's just running, running far away. She can't handle this, doesn't want to imagine what Nate's feeling, what Nate's doing right now. The taxi can't move fast enough; the next train to Hudson is in an hour and she can only wish that it was coming sooner. As soon as she gets to the station she purchases a ticket and goes to the platform that her train should come to soon.

But somehow, Nate's beat her here.

He's standing near a window with his hands in his pockets and watching her approach; even from dozens of feet away, his eyes are as vivid blue as ever. When she sees him she hesitates for a moment before walking up to him slowly, dread spreading in her heart. She stops a few feet away from and they just look at each other for a few moments before she speaks.

"I'm so sorry, Nate," she says softly, unable to meet his eyes. "I didn't mean for you to find out like this. I was going to tell you when you were feeling better. It was a mistake and I regretted it immediately after. It kind of just happened and I wish it hadn't. To this day I can't stand people touching me because of that, it was so scarring, such a mistake..." Jenny trails off, her throat closes up and she feels like she's about to cry because Nate's looking at her with such an understanding expression on his face, and she was so sure he'd be angry. "I just... you never contacted me when I was gone, so I thought you didn't care about me. I thought nobody cared about me."

Nate shakes his head in disbelief, and he looks thoughtful. "A few months ago- some time after Dorota had her baby- I was feeling alone and afraid. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to, and then it struck me that I could have called you because you would always be there for me." Nate pauses for a moment and Jenny can tell that it's hard for him to speak about this. "But when I was about to dial your number, I got a post from Gossip Girl; there was a picture of you leaving, and you were getting on a train. It reminded me of when Serena left all those years ago, and I felt like I had no one." His voice becomes bittersweet and sad. "I think the drinking and drugs and women got worse after that, because I came to the realization that you wouldn't always be there. You wouldn't always be there waiting for me... I guess now it's more true than ever." Jenny doesn't know what to say. She's dimly aware of Nate reaching out slowly, trying not to alarm her, and he brushes her hair away from her eyes. Jenny tenses under his touch but he doesn't move his fingers, and after a few moments she relaxes and he continues to tuck strands of hair behind her ear.

"I also realized that I had let a good thing go away. You wanted what was best for me, Jenny... and what was best for me was you." Nate pauses and takes a breath. "We've both made mistakes. But letting you leave would be the biggest mistake. Stay with me here."

Jenny's heart is breaking. "But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing who I've become, I'm afraid of going back to old habits..."

"Then we'll help each other." Nate insists, and he takes her hands carefully. "I need you with me."

"But there's nothing..." Jenny begins to speak, when there's the sound of a train in the distance. Nate follows her gaze and looks over his shoulder to see that her train is pulling in.

His head is spinning. Once, sometime during the summer, Nate had asked Eric why Jenny had left town. And the boy had told him, _'There was nothing here for her anymore.'_ And there still isn't; Nate is so sure that was what she was going to say before the train pulled in. And the way she is staring at the train now, ever so thoughtfully - he knows it's true. Nate drops her hands and turns, shaking his head. All he can think is that this is a lost cause, and then he starts to walk away. And every second feels like a lifetime, each second confirms the thought that she won't follow him...

Before he knows it he hears his name and feet running behind him; he turns just in time to catch this running blonde mass into his arms, and his heart is pounding as he lifts Jenny up. Her tiny hands find his face, press against his cheeks and then she's kissing him and he can't believe it, he's seeing stars, and he holds her tight as he kisses her back. He doesn't know how long they kiss for but at some point he realizes that this might be a little too much affection for the public to see, and so he sets her down.

"When I left town I said that there was nothing here for me. But just now I realized something. I have something to stay here for; I have you." Jenny says, and she's smiling and looking at him like she used to. Like he's her world. "I can't leave you, because I need you too."

And so he kisses her again, and it feels like a dream - it feels like the fairytale has returned.


End file.
